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"Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don't think."
 
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  Plans for Eagles Crag | History of the Crag | Reality of Life | Blog
 
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There are many things in life that at some point you just realize you have to sit and take, that life isn't fair, that it isn't perfect and that in a lot of senses we are fighting an up hill battle for happiness. Now I'm not saying that this battle is worthless, because it's not! It is in how we fight this battle that defines who we are and what we do in this life. However even those who are battle weary need a place to lament, a place to step back and realize or at least expound upon their own shortcomings and of their meager wants. This is my place. I do not expect many to understand the rantings within this section but this is best described as my aspirations, my dreams and my hopes. They may not change the world, heck they may not even change the mood of my day but hopefully they will be beneficial somehow, but only time can tell.





To Whom This May Concern

Have you ever wondered, I mean honestly, just sat down and thought about the future? Well take a couple of seconds and REALLY give it a good thinking over.




NOW, what did you think about? Probably tried to figure out something about your job, and how you'll retire, how much money you'll have, etc. You would be fairly typical if you thought of that, don't beat yourself up yet, thats my job, why is money so darned important to you? Just a thought to think about.... but that's REALLY not the point of this ranting if you will. My point here is that somewhere, even if it was only a blur in the background of your thinking there was someone else there, someone special that you choose to share your life with, the good (not much of that we'll mostly admit), bad (good streak of that in me I'll admit though really I try to keep my bark worse than my bite), and the ugly (ok reality check: really ugly on many levels in many forms, but hey I'm me someone has to be out there that can accept me for me regardless of the obvious but I digress a wee bit) but they are there. Now some of us have found that someone, some of us are still seeking them, and some of us still haven't gotten our heads removed from the sand to realize what really is going on. I am however at the stage where I haven't found her yet, she's out there, somewhere and occasionally, probably just me, I wonder: who is she, what is her name? What is she like? How does she rack up to my seemingly unattanable list (which I'll start next)? What color is her hair? her eyes? what is she doing right now (as I'm writing this I hope she's asleep because it's pushing on 2am, now she could be awake if she's in another country, again I digress)? Just one of those quandries that I will not know, it seems, for some time to come it seems.

To Whom this may concern,

We haven't met yet, but someday we will. We haven't talked yet but maybe we will. I know I'm not perfect, despite what I strive to be. I know I'm not many things, though I wish to be. I have said that I am who I am and thats all that I'll ever be, which is the ultimate truth, I cannot be changed for if I do who am I than? Not who I am or who I should be. I take myself for what I am, I may sell myself short at times, I may over sell myself at others. I know my faults (all to many of them), I know my strengths (as few as there are in comparison).

I try to be as good a human being as I can be, like I said earlier I'm not perfect and I'm going to screw up (and if history has anything to say for that if I'm going to screw up I might as well do one HECK of a bang up job at it), I'm going to be wrong, I'm going to make mistakes. However who isn't? I'm willing to admit defeat when I know I absolutely can't win (though watch out I AM stubborn as a mule), I'm willing to say I'm sorry when I've done wrong.... I've been told once "Love means never having to say your sorry", sadly I don't believe in that. Love means when you say sorry you better bloody mean it because the person listening to you trusts you beyond trust, knows you beyond knowing and is willing to help you when you have screwed up. Love doesn't mean not having to say your sorry, Love means that when you do say sorry they just know and understand, cause they are willing to back you up no matter what.

But I thought I'd write this, just to let you know despite me not knowing you yet, not knowing anything about you, for I cannot tell the future, that I've thought about you. I hope that you are well, that you are happy, and that your dreams are sweet.

- Me.




I am occasionally asked, or have debated with myself, the qualities I seek most in the person I would find ideal to marry, it started out quite a humbel list, or so I thought. As time has gone by I've added things, thought about them more and changed others, here is the list, for better or worst, but honestly I don't think I'm asking too much, do you?
  • Doesn't Smoke - I have enough problems and I don't approve of the habbit
  • Doesn't Drink (much at least) - I will not force my own beliefs on others, however I would greatly appreciate this one being kept to a minimum at worst
  • Doesn't Gamble - Straight up I don't like money a lot, but if I'm going to trade portions of my life for little green vouchers for other people's portions of life I'm not going to flush them down the toilet for no reason!
  • Be able at the very least to be able to put up with a Computer Geek - Again, I am what I am and that's all that I am, take it or leave it
  • Well Rounded (intelect) - I'm not above debating Plato, Socrates, Van Gogh, Picaso, History, Art, Music, Science, Medicine, anything. I read a lot and I try and know whats going on in the world and how it relates to everything else, it would be nice to be able to just sit arond and discuss those things... which leads to the next point
  • Have an Open Mind - Have the ability to accept people for who they are or what they believe, if you don't 100% agree with what they hold to be true don't denounce them on the spot, tell them they are going to hell, ignore them, criticize their view point or disregard them immediatley. There is a huge difference between having a reasoned thought on something but if you disagree with someone and you can't debate with them to help them see your side of things vs. just telling them they are "wrong" what the point of talking?! Agree to disagree and realize you might be wrong, keep an open mind and try and understand or see different points of view.
  • Be able to live with a Baha'i - I'm a Baha'i, simply put it makes sense to me. Going back to the last point, this shouldn't be a stretch
  • Be assertive - Your a human being, if you can't take charge of yourself or go after things that you want or need than what are you doing? I mean if you can't go and try to reach your dreams, what are you doing? Marriage is not being locked or tied down, it's a mutual support group for the two parties involved to help each other out in getting to their goals, their aspirations, their dreams. If you want to fly to the moon, awesome! Go for it grasp the dream. If I'm an idiot, tell me I'm an idiot (this assumes the point back a couple of course) just don't become docile or "yes sir, no sir, three bags full" - "automotons need not apply"
  • Has to get along with my mom - This may seem odd but trust me, this makes a lot of sense to me. If you get along well with my mother this will definatley be a plus (no I'm not a mommas boy, some women in the past thought my mother hated them when she showed no sign whatsoever to that effect...)
  • Can't be a Nut addict - it just wouldn't work out.....
  • At least Tollerant of Gaming - I'll admit I like to play games, board games, computer games, Role Playing Games, etc. I'm not asking them to join in (though that would be a definite plus) just to let me continue with them.
  • Be relativley outgoing - I'm a bit of an extrovert most of the time, I've tried dating introverts (shy people) before and it seemed to just be limiting on me :-(
  • Be Willing to dance - I'm not asking them to be great, good, or anything at all but have a willingness to at least try, I make a fool out of myself all the time, it wouldn't hurt ot have some company sometimes ;-)
  • Like to Read - I have more books than you can shake a stick at, I read a lot, discussion of books to just sharing them is good
  • Have compatible music tastes - I'm pretty open on the music genres, however Rap, Country (most anyway), etc is not considered music in my book if this is all you listen too.....
  • Like the idea of pets but... - with allergies it's hard to find a pet I wouldn't be sneezing and taking Benedryl 24x7 just to be alive :-\ just be aware..
  • If they drive an SUV - have one heck of a good reason! I have relativley strong views on them but I can see where they would be the approriate car, just not for picking up and droping people off from school in a relativley dry, flat, urbanized area where going off road would never happen or having to battle such things as SNOW!
  • Ability to cope with Strong views - I don't have many strong views but those I have I'm hanging on to them! 1) I'm a optimistic pessimist, 2) SUVs = horrible waste 98% of the time, 3) People are fundamentally stupid (those really aren't pessimistic or un thought out views, as they are mostly detailed elsewhere in these pages)


About it really........




Also some people have asked that I share a few poems that I wrote....
These are not happy, joyous or anything even reluctantly close to mirthful. Honestly they are quite a departure from my general, relativley good, outlook on life. They were written for the sole purpose to console an aching heart, that was ripped and torn asunder by love.

When the love ends, where do you look?
When your world comes crashing down, where do you run?
I have found that there is no greater pain then to love
I have known the greatest joy is to love
how can you love someone so much you hate them?
there is no solace but the solace that you must find, that you must create
nothing is ceratin in life, not even the corner stone we build out lives upon


it is better to love, and know what love is, then to love and to never truely understand it's power and it's embrace


It's hard to realize when your in love if you really are in love,
sometimes you wonder if the other person knows JUST how you feel
or how much you love them
it's hard to imagine that you could love someone so much
but that they put up a front
and you never see it coming when they crush your heart


The road to recovery is at best a difficult road,
the road is littered with paths to lead you astray
to take you down an easier path,
however the ultimate end of these paths is not the cure,
but your own destruction
that's why taking the hard road, or the road less traveled
is the way to the cure.


"when you're in love life is perfect," - Molly

one of the most profoundly true things I have ever read, and the opposite:
when you are not in love life is dark void
is the sad, blinding, painful reality


it's amazing how much you have enjoyed the little things in life when they are no longer with you: the smell of hair, the sound of a burp, the tone of a voice, and the jokes of another person. And how empty your life seems when those things are no longer with us.


I doubt I have ever laid eyes on a picture that was so beautiful, but that I know failed to capture even a 10th of what was truely there


when you can let someone else love despite your own feelings... what is that?
is it fair to be selfish in love?
is it fair to want to be loved the way you once were?
where is she?
where do I look?
what is her name?
why?
WHAT DO I DO NOW?
where do I go from here?
how do I start over?
where is she?
I have loved and been cut down, do I get to love again?
if not..... whats left?
what's next?
what is the next adventure?
where is she?
I still love without know why
I still love even though I shouldn't
I still love even though I know now they will never be mine again
and they are all loved......
but where does that leave ME?
sitting here writing this.


I was once happy where did it go? I once knew joy in it's purest form where did I lose it? I can smile again but it has been long coming I can still feel the pain and it's not going away I saw a picture of myself I saw that I knew that joy it was captured in that moment I was holding her she was holding me I know she loved me but where did it go? where did she go? why did she have to go? so here I am still standing amazingly